The Real Golden Rule

The Real Golden Rule

After all these years working with all kinds of kids and families I think that managing behaviour boils down to one simple principle: Don’t make their problem your problem.

Surely it can’t be that simple I hear you say.

Actually, I think it is.

Why?

Because every day toddlers plot and plan corporate takeovers in their very own financial system. They are ruthless traders in the naughty economy, and like all Wall Street types they want to take over the world. They bargain hard for the best deal they can get with little concern for anyone but their shareholders.

The Naughty Economy

There is a very simple economics that drives behaviour in young children, and all of us in fact, and it’s this: How much does it cost? Before they decide to do something they have to decide if the cost of the behaviour is worth the outcome. For example, if you’re three years old and you want to throw a block at the cat you need to weigh up the costs and benefits of the behaviour. On the plus side it’s kind of fun to throw stuff at the cat, because it’s intensely interesting to explore what sort of effect blocks have on cats. Also the cat generally bolts out of the room which, if you’re a three year old megalomaniac is very satisfying indeed. Finally it gets you some quality one on one time with your mum or dad as they explain to you why we don’t throw blocks at Fluffy. On the down side you might get put in your room, or the blocks might be taken away. So before you throw you need to decide which action is worth more to you, and which has the least costs associated with it.

Simple economics.

So why is the golden rule so golden?

I think the reason for the glittery goldeness of the golden rule is that it focuses you on tipping the balance of the cost-benefit analysis in your favour. It’s quite simple really, because if you make it your problem then they won’t really care. If you make it their problem then they will. If the cost to them of being naughty is small, then they’ll keep being naughty. If the cost to them outweighs any benefits from being naughty then they’ll stop.

The problem with the modern economics of good behaviour

All this flies a little in the face of ‘modern’ thinking about managing children’s behaviour which is all about giving loads and loads of praise and rewards for good behaviour. In this ‘child centred’ view the idea is that we essentially make the rewards for good behaviour so strong they’ll automatically choose to be good.

So what could possibly be wrong with that?

Well, in my experience I think it overlooks the fact that being naughty is ferociously good fun. It just is. Being good is great, and ticks on star charts and pats on the head are all fine and well, but there is something utterly compelling about being naughty. I don’t see this as a bad thing, it’s just the way we are. If we were all naturally good then we wouldn’t need the police and prisons. The bitter truth about us Homo sapiens is that being naughty is a powerful reinforcer all by itself.

Being nice to your little sister is great, but pushing her over is also pretty cool when you’re three and a control freak. Eating dinner nicely is fine, but throwing the plate across the room when you’re bored is also hilariously funny. Similarly staying in bed at night is perfectly reasonable, but nowhere near as enticing as the thought of running down the hall shrieking at the top of your lungs. You can poop in the toilet if you want the pat on the head, but dropping a big log on the living room floor is far more entertaining.

The truth is that praise and rewards will only get you so far with children. Ultimately they will be drawn to the dark side of the force, they will want the thrill and power that comes from bucking against the system. The only way to stop that stuff in it’s tracks, at least in my experience, is to make the cost of doing it far outweigh any benefits.

The Key Warning Sign You Need to Put the Golden Rule to Work

This one is so simple it’s astounding. Basically if you’re dealing with any kind of behavioural issue, be it naughtiness, whining, not staying in bed, sibling conflict or whatever, the rule of thumb is that if you’re feeling more wound up about it then they are, then you need to shift the balance back onto them. If you’re feeling more angry/stressed/wound up about behaviour at the table then they are, then the system is out of balance. If you’re telling them off and they’re acting like they don’t care, or worse that the whole thing is a big laugh, then you need to shift the balance back onto them.

Ask yourself this question: Whose problem is this right now, theirs or mine? If the answer comes back that it’s yours, then it’s time to act.

How to do that

The first thing to understand is that the golden rule (don’t make their problem your problem) is like a grand principle, it’s a rule that you apply whenever you and your little one disagree over what should be happening. In this light it isn’t a specific technique per se, but an attitude, an approach. What it means is that you have to change what you do so that the consequences for what they do are bigger. You simply have to increase the cost of the bad behaviour until it becomes so expensive they can’t afford it any more.

Let me give you a few examples to show you what I mean in a very practical way.

• If little Timmy laughs when he’s in time out and comes out acting as if he doesn’t care, then simply leave him in there longer till the boredom wears out all his cheeky good humour.
• If Jane keeps getting out of bed at bedtime and running into the lounge and driving you crazy when you’re trying to watch telly, then put her in her wee room and lock the door until she gets the point that if you come out of your room, it’s going to cost you a bit of isolation.
• If Mary won’t eat her greens it costs her dessert.
• If you can’t play nice it costs you increasing amounts of time sitting by yourself.

So the next time you find yourself frustrated, flummoxed, and generally confused about what to do next just ask yourself this simple question: whose problem is this? If the answer is that it’s yours then all you need to do is shift the balance so the cost of what they’re doing becomes so expensive they simply can’t afford to keep doing it. You might be surprised how much this simple focusing thought can shift the commanding heights of the naughty economy in your home.